“…tone it down.”
My letter to the men of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, on behalf of women training in the U.S.
TRIGGER WARNING: This story refers to sexual assault, rape, and physical violence and includes an image some might find disturbing.
NOTE: I wrote this August 2020. While I ended up leaving my school, I would like to acknowledge the changes I saw in my coaches. Changing the way womxn are treated in BJJ (and in general) in the US is an uphill battle. I hope we can all see how toxic, patriarchal masculinity is damaging to us all on a good day, and fatal for its victims on a bad day.
My name is Gillian, I am a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu purple belt and I have practiced Muay Thai on and off for over 5 years and in 2016, I fought and won my only MMA fight. I wrote the following letter because I am struggling. The struggle I (and most women) face, seems to have many similarities to the struggles we are collectively experiencing as a society The following is my call to action to the men of ALL communities, but particularly the men of my community, the men of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.
“I ask no favours for my sex... all I ask of our brethren is, that they will take their feet from off our necks”. - Sarah Grimke
Dear Men of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu,
I want you, the men who train, to know that I am writing this from a place of love and hope, though it might be hard to see, given what I’m about to say. Believe it or not, I have a tremendous amount of faith in the men of my team and I’m saying all of this because if any group of men can help change the relationships between men and womxn of the world, it is our men. But I cannot communicate this message on my own; I know in my heart and soul that it must come from other men, instructors, and those who can hear me.
I have the utmost respect for the leadership at my academy and I can honestly say this is the best training, instruction, and overall environment I’ve experienced in all the years I’ve been practicing martial arts. I even joke that my two main coaches are my “dads”. Furthermore, one of the reasons I joined was that there was a strong women’s team. Having said that, we, like all academies around the world, operate within the patriarchal system and therefore uphold sexist and misogynistic behaviour either directly or indirectly. We all do. I do. And now it is time for some real change.
Our coaches say : "train with everyone, every partner is good training”, but every woman in BJJ or combat sports knows she can’t afford to do that. While I can only share my experiences in this article, I know for a fact that many women in BJJ feel the same. I understand my role in training safely, I understand how to tone it down, I do it all the time with lower belts and especially with new students. Having said that, I don’t feel like the burden of training responsibly should rest on women’s shoulders alone. What’s more is that a true practice in the art of jiu jitsu - the “gentle art” - does not require excessive use of force (with the exception of competition training), especially if said force is used in place of technique. Also, you must keep in mind that the consequences of excessive force are drastically different for different sizes. If I drop my weight on someone or do something reckless, I might sprain a joint. If they drop their weight on me, they could put me in a wheelchair. They could kill me.
Women face micro aggressions, harassment, and the threat of violence every day simply because of our sex. This is the reason why many women have begun to join combat sports such as BJJ. The sickening irony is, many women are sexually assaulted in the very place they sought out with the intention of learning self defense. Recently, one of the best female black belts in the world, Claudia Doval recounted being raped by her instructor, the world renowned Ricardo De la Riva, in an interview. Unfortunately her experience is not unique. I myself was sexually assaulted in my previous academy. While leadership supported me initially, I was later accused of bullying the perpetrator when he was let back in the academy over a year later. I refused to train with him or have any contact with him so he told the lead professor that I was targeting him, that I had made him feel like killing himself, and that he never did what I accused him of because he was gay. He said all this a year and six months after the incident. I left the school because of how it was handled after that.
Maybe you’re saying to yourself now: “well that hasn’t happened at my gym.” But it has. Maybe it was not rape, maybe is wasn’t even sexual assault, but the culture that allows and even promotes these heinous acts is alive more than ever in BJJ schools (and I’m assuming other martial arts as well). Please consider the following:
Society conditions womxn to be “nice” and to nurture others - this is one of the driving factors behind why women do not speak up
It takes tremendous courage to join a combat sport, especially when you are the smallest person on the mat and there is self-imposed pressure to be “tough”; this pressure is usually perpetuated by fellow students and instructors (and because of the nature of the sport)
No man wants to be beaten or tapped by a woman because our society implies this would mean he is less of a man
The combination of these factors - among many others - causes all of us to uphold rape culture and misogyny. To be clear, we women are well aware of the risks of combat sports. We understand, more than any man on the mat, what we are getting ourselves into because we are threatened with violence every waking second of our lives (oh, it hasn’t happened to you, dear reader? Thank heavens, you are the exception, not the rule). We do not need our male training partners to show us they’re stronger and bigger. We know.
In the past, I have been told to “tone it down” and not be so aggressive. I find this very odd advice to give to an aspiring MMA fighter and BJJ competitor and I am certain this message is not given to male competitors. The nature of the sport is frequently cited as the reason women get hurt by male training partners. In most schools, women are told directly or indirectly to toughen up and shut up if we want to continue training. Moreover, if the answer is, as it has been in the past, for smaller female students to “tone it down”, when do we get to train hard? When do we get to prepare for competition? Are we supposed to wait until we happen to have another womxn our same size on the mat? Those training sessions are few and far between - if ever - at many schools. On a more personal note, being told that I - the 127 lb. woman - need to tone it down so that my much bigger, and often higher belt ranked partners don’t hurt me, sounds a lot like telling women to dress conservatively so they won’t get attacked or raped. It doesn’t matter what you wear, trust me, I know.
On September 23rd, 2016, a man named Alex Peterson attacked me, kneed me in the face and knocked two of my teeth out. Luckily I had a permanent retainer so the teeth stayed in my mouth despite the fact that they were fully dislodged as you can see in the photo. There is no explanation as to why he did this. I did not state his name to instigate an internet assault on him or to “cancel” him, I said it because I no longer see the point of “being the bigger person” to protect violent, misogynistic and destructive behavior.
If you find yourself asking, in the darkest corners of your mind: “what did she do?”, “what was she wearing?”, “was she drinking?”, I urge you to take a long hard look at yourself after you look at my face. While his motives were never clear, he initiated the attack, threw me on a bed, and kneed me in the face in his fervor to get on top of me. You do the math. And by the way, when the judge announced that this was indeed, intentional battery, he said: “and Mr. Peterson, the fact that you harped on her MMA career so much in your defense leads me to think, maybe you wanted to show her ’she’s not as good as she thinks she is’.”
In a way, I am grateful to Alex because this was too horrific to forget. It has forced me out of the societal shell, “my place”, and inspired me to say: “enough is enough”. To all men who train, to the men of the world, I am asking you to look at my face. Look at the pain and the fear in my eyes and know that I took this photo after I had been cleaned up and heavily sedated. I knew then, as all womxn know, that I would need evidence to prove what was done to me. And I did. I did prove it in the court of law and have not received one penny in compensation for the astronomical debt I had to take on to fix my teeth. I understand that you are not the one who did this to me. But your behavior towards me, towards all women, can either align with or stand up to Alex Peterson. Will you stand up for us on the mat? In the locker rooms, as you talk privately with other men? In the world?
So once more, look at my face. I am asking you, my brothers, my friends, my protectors, is this what you want? I didn’t think so. And if it is - know that I weep for you. I weep for what you are lacking in your heart, your soul, and your life. And I am afraid for you because your time is ending and there are many people less peaceful than I who would love nothing more than to put YOU in your place. But I am not interested in that. I want to know, who hurt you? What pressures are crushing your shoulders so much so that you have to crush me beneath you? Can we put the weight down together? Let’s talk.
Love,
Gillian
