Radical Self Love: David’s Story

When I initially saw this project, I screamed “Hell yes!”. I knew I wanted to be a part of it because of my own experiences. I reached out to Gillian and asked what I could do, how I could support their efforts. Gillian’s response was simple, share your story and be a part of it. I eagerly agreed. I was so excited at first, but soon the dread set in. Confronting your demons is an odd thing, slowing down enough to be able to organize and compose thoughts and trying to embrace the vulnerability of it. I don’t know how this will be received, but here it is.

I’ve never had what I’ve thought to be even a decent body. I was an overweight kid who was often overlooked for that but praised for being “smart”. As I got older, I thought I’d try to be more of an athlete and play sports, to get a better body, because life would be so much better then. I tried lifting weights, but was often made fun of for not being stronger.

School can be cruel. I kept at it, and I eventually grew into my body, but still felt betrayed. It was never enough. I was never enough. Weight became a nemesis for me. I would gain weight for football, lose weight for wrestling. Eventually, eating disorders and body dysmorphia began to creep into my life, binging during the late summer and fall, and starving myself for months on end, all to be competitive. Later in life, food became a comfort, eating my feelings.

So now I look at myself and really try to explore who I am. I have days when I have a hard time showering because I can’t look at myself. I dress down and slovenly because it’s easier than looking in a mirror. Facial hair and glasses? Of course, anything to hide behind. I’ve covered myself in tattoos so people judge me by that instead of seeing me. I see myself as too fat, too weak, too hairy, and not enough. The only value I have, the strength I built through shame. As I get older, I wait in fear for that to fail me, and then, who will I be?

What I’ve come to hope for, is to normalize the struggles we share. I hope to inspire others to be vulnerable and to talk about feelings, emotions, and insecurities. So here I am, for everyone to see, too old, too fat, too weak, too hairy, and I hope to inspire others to trust and be vulnerable, growing from the process. I’m not sure if I’ll ever “love” my body, but I am trying to accept it a little more every day.