Radical Self Love: Founder’s Story (Gillian)
How have internet dating, dick pics, and intense self hatred inspired Gillian’s wellness journey?
My body and I “prepared” for eight months to get ready for our first and only MMA fight (which we won). We “prepared” for each of the nine Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournaments we competed in. We “prepared” for the 25 mile hike we did in just over nine hours last spring.
It might seem trivial but it took a lot of courage to grow out all this body hair in the name of “wellness” and Radical Self Love!
I have had sex more times than I’ve done any of these things and theoretically, it is the act I should be most “prepared” for in comparison. However, I have found myself, time and time again, taking precious time out of my day to “prepare” my body to meet (or fail to meet, which then necessitates an explanation or an apology) the expectations of patriarchal-heterosexual male standards, particularly if I anticipate a sexual interaction. A single text from a potential or current lover has catapulted me into action, rushed me through a meal or skipped it entirely in order to hastily shave away any “unacceptable” body hair. Because of a TEXT! Not a marriage proposal nor a proposition to dance naked in front of millions (which seems like a solid reason to “prepare” my body tbh).
While sometimes, it can be fun to dress up, and “prepare” in a way that feels sexy, I think we need to ask ourselves if our preparation routine is out of pleasure or obligation. How can we adjust our relationships with our lovers and ourselves so that it’s more of the former?
I have done a lot of soul searching over the ten years and I have faced many situations which forced me to change my perspective on life and my relationship to it. My body and I have been through quite the rollercoaster-relationship and we are finally in what feels like a healthy plateau. Maybe it’s because I read The Body is Not an Apology and I actually took the time to ask myself all of the “unapologetic inquiries”. Maybe it’s because I’m running head first into my thirties (with joy I might add). Maybe it’s because I’ve had one too many emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationships that have led me to finally say “enough”.
Our photographer Aly Whitman, was truly amazing, thank you for facilitating my wellness journey!
I must also acknowledge that though I faced my fair share of hardship, our society is far more accepting of my body than most other bodies out there and my road to acceptance and radical self love is therefore easier than many others. I am not okay with that. While growing out all of my “embarrassing” body hair and putting it on display for the world to see might seem trivial, it isn’t to me. It makes me sweat, it opens me up to judgement from others (which I have already begun to see, even from friends), and it makes me feel less deserving of love in many ways. I had more than one friend ask me nervously… “you’re just growing out your underarm hair for the photoshoot right?!” Moreover, allowing my body to occur in her truly natural state, without any intervention from “me” (my thinking mind let’s call it), has forced me to confront how much I have both relied on and been degraded by the male gaze.
